Buran Interviews

BURAN INTERVIEWS

Justin Knudsen: Justin Knudsen
Justin Knudsen: Erik LaPointe
Justin Knudsen: Hilary Kelman
Justin Knudsen: Brady Blevins
Justin Knudsen: Eric Avery
Justin Knudsen: Justin Knudsen

Edward Gordon Craig: Brady Blevins
Your Mother: Erik LaPointe
Doctor: Justin Knudsen
Brady Blevins: Brady Blevins
Pollock: Adam Burnett


JUSTIN KNUDSEN
Hi. I’m Justin Knudsen. I’m an actor who also plays a person in real life. Tonight I will be interviewing a number of significant – um – figures and individuals and um – people who – have – done a significant amount of …things. Tonight we must move briskly, due to the strict measures placed upon my time here in this space with you here. Usually I do this for four hours straight, with or without people watching. Sometimes it’s just me.

On our schedule this evening: From 11 to 11:01 I will be interviewing Edward Gordon Craig. From 11:01 to 11:02 I will be interviewing Your Mother. And from 11:02 to 11:03, a certified doctor. From 11:03 to 11:04, I will be interviewing comedienne Brady Blevins. And - - oh here we are now. This is how it begins I guess.

EDWARD GORDON CRAIG enters

According to half a sentence I read on Wikipedia immediately prior to this interview: Edward Gordon Craig was an English modernist theatre practitioner; he worked as an actor, producer, director, and scenic designer, as well as developing a theoretical body of writing that - - (beat). Borrrrring. He wrote a scathing review about a performance of mine some years ago. But I’m willing to look past it if you are, Edward.

EDWARD
Not even in my memory now.

JUSTIN
I’m glad that works for you. Often known for her writings on the uber-marrionette, Craig - -

EDWARD
Her?!


JUSTIN
His – hers – sorry, it’s hard for me to tell by the features.

EDWARD
What’s a day like for you?

EDWARD
A day?

JUSTIN
A typical day. Wait a minute. I just got this – text – here. Huh.

EDWARD
Excuse me?

JUSTIN
No, no by all means, keep talking. It just says he’s not going to - My friend. Bob. He’s was supposed to pick me up. Damn. Is anyone – anyone here doing anything after this? Buy me a drink maybe and give me a ride? I’m uh - - …sorry.
Is it true you hate actors?

EDWARD
Acting is not an art. It is therefore incorrect to talk of the actor as an artist.

JUSTIN
I’m going to ignore that previous quote. Here. Just give us something. A quote I can use. The papers would love that.

EDWARD
There are still papers?

JUSTIN
Sometimes. There’s my paper.

Justin pulls out the JUSTIN KNUDSEN TIMES.

It’s for me.

EDWARD
What do you cover?

JUSTIN
There’s an article about pajamas…that I like. There’s an article about Thursdays. Um…

EDWARD
Is there still theatre?

JUSTIN
Oh, often.

EDWARD
Does it work?

Silence. JUSTIN is looking through his newspaper.

Does it work?

JUSTIN
Sodoku…do you Sodoku? Most this is…yeah…and crosswords, see.

JUSTIN starts working on a crossword. Ignores Edward..

EDWARD
Does it work?
Does it?
At least give me a quote.
The papers would love that.
Does it work?

JUSTIN
Oh, well, we are just about out of time. I’m sorry, Craig. Paaaaass the pigs!

EDWARD gets taken off stage by the audience as Shooby Taylor plays.

JUSTIN
I need a smoke. One moment. We have a minute.

He exits. As JUSTIN KNUDSEN exits, JUSTIN KNUDSEN enters.

JUSTIN
Hi. I’m Justin Knudsen from the Knudsen Times and tonight I’ll be interviewing your mother.

YOUR MOTHER
Sweetheart! It’s so wonderful to see you! All of you!

JUSTIN
How – long have you been a mother?

YOUR MOTHER
(to the audience)
Oh, goodness my oh my. You don’t ask a Mother that sort of thing. (beat) Thirty-three years.

JUSTIN
What – is – a typical day like for you?

YOUR MOTHER
(directly to the audience)
Oh, you know, I just wake up. I put the pot of coffee on for your father. And then, well, you know my bladder it just – well! – and there’s this ringing in my ear. It won’t go away. Your father thinks I’m going nuts. Of course. The ringing, this ringing in my ear is so loud sometimes I just – (whispers) I take a lot of pills that make me feel kind of funny, you know what I mean, sweetheart, and I just go right to sleep. I don’t think that’s like doing drugs, is it?

JUSTIN
(with a piece of paper)
If you curl up the end of it, it looks like a doll.

YOUR MOTHER
A doll?

JUSTIN
Like a little doll, “I’m a doll. Ra. Ra.”
I’m sorry, what were you saying?

YOUR MOTHER
Oh, I -

JUSTIN
Oh, darned, I believe we’re out of time. Isn’t that – just- the darndest.

YOUR MOTHER
Take care of your mother! Your mother is going to die if you don’t take care of her! Please take care of your mother!

YOUR MOTHER is taken off stage to Shooby Taylor.

JUSTIN
We got a few minutes left. I’m gonna get a cup of coffee and I’ll be right back.

JUSTIN exits. JUSTIN enters with a cup of coffee.

JUSTIN
Hi, I’m Justin Knudsen from the Knudsen Knews and tonight I’ll be interviewing a real doctor.

Doctor enters.

JUSTIN
Tonight we have a very important Dr. who has worked with many people? Is that correct to say?

DOCTOR
Are you a doctor?

JUSTIN
(beat)
I prefer to ask the questions, doctor.

DOCTOR
You’re not a doctor, are you?

JUSTIN
I can – what?

DR
I’ve already said too much.

JUSTIN
Have I said too much?

DR
I don’t - (sigh) Excuse me, but I don’t do this.

JUSTIN
Do what?

DR
I only talk to other doctors.

JUSTIN
You are a doctor though?

DR
Absolutely I am a doctor.

JUSTIN
You’re a doctor who only talks to other doctors.

DR
Precisely. I have no patients. Only other doctors.

JUSTIN
You have no patients at all?

DR
None at all.

JUSTIN
Do you have your own practice?

DR
Are you a doctor?

JUSTIN
Am I doctor?

DR
No, you are not. I’m sorry. I can’t be here.

Doctor leaves.
Justin exits. Justin enters.

JUSTIN
Hi. I’m Justin Knudsen from the Buran Theatre Company and tonight I’ll be interviewing comedienne Brady Blevins. Bwady Bwevins. Brrrraaaady Bwwwevins.

BRADY sits.

JUSTIN
Tell me a joke.

BRADY
What did the ghost do to the Hungarian fly?

JUSTIN
(pissed as can be)
What?

BRADY
Budapest.

Justin: No response.

JUSTIN
No. Next.

BRADY
What did the lawyer do to the crooked FBI agent with a cold?
Sudafed!

JUSTIN
- -

BRADY
Okay okay - one more. What did the lawyer do the crooked FBI agent with a cold - at night?
SUDAFED PM!

JUSTIN
No. No. Leave. Leave. Get off. Now. Leave. Now. Get off. No, faster. Leave. Go. Go.

Justin exits. Justin enters again.

JUSTIN
Hi, I’m Justin Knudsen. Our final guest tonight is an influential painter – and uh – mind – he paints and he has an influential mind. Ladies and gentlemen, Jacksen Polack.

POLLOCK
Pollock.

JUSTIN
Po-lack.

POLLOCK
Pollock.

JUSTIN
Nuh-uh. Polack.

Silence.

JUSTIN
What’s – um – what’s a typical day like for you?

POLLOCK
I go out to my barn. And I light up a cigarette. I drink a drink. A whiskey. Some coffee. And then I get to work.

POLLOCK pulls his pants down, revealing his bare cock, and pours cottage cheese over his head.